It’s been a while flying solo — going on dates and meeting new potentials. When that got boring, I decided to put a spin on it.(just for fun, ended up being research) After a few dates I’ve started asking hard questions. While it has personally landed me in a jaded perception of the male brain… I figured it out folks. I FIGURED IT OUT!
It’s a tale as old as time. Girl meets boy. Boy pursues girl. First dates turn into the sparks that light the way to a new love connection. Somewhere along the line we, the girls get the sob story of why things didn’t work out with the ex. We empathize, and fall for him.
We’re women. We have it built into our code, we’re caretakers, we’re empathic. We’re vulnerable to a fault, and so… We have the tendency to extend our caretaker instincts into our relationships. (save that energy for your kids, please) When new prospects spin a heart break tale, our first response is to be better than the last. Or the exact opposite of the dreaded ex. If she was lazy, we make their beds and cook breakfast after sleep overs. (news flash, if he isn’t making his bed at 30, he won’t ever make it) If she was a party girl, we monitor our drinking. He’ll say she wasn’t very friendly to his crew… So what do we do ladies?! We bond with all his friends and make sure they like us better. Even if they actually suck, and you can see why the ex didn’t approve. You get the idea, the list adds up. — Always more, always better than the last girl.
Here we are, totally rational women hating on and competing with a perfect stranger. We think “How dare she hurt my lover?” “How dare she create all this baggage?” But please, before you embark on that hate journey… Ask your ex (jk do not engage, but picture it) what his self hyped love lorn version of your relationship was. Chances are, he is giving a similar sob story. The new girl in his life probably hates you just as much as you hate the last girl in your guys life. Are you starting to see the crazy girl pattern that we don’t create? My humble suggestion is next time, simply ask “What did role did you play in this story?”
Most humans (hopefully) lean into and analyze what is going wrong in our lives. We reassess our priorities when things aren’t going our way relationally, professionally, or physically. A big difference I’ve noticed is men crave connection, but don’t prioritize their relationships once they’re comfortable. Cue the ‘crazy girl’ rants sounding like “I don’t feel like you care anymore” or “I’m not important to you”. When relationships come to an end, women reflect on our short comings and take our time to heal and process. Men guzzle a beer, vent to their buddies and always come to the same conclusion when it comes to relationships. Women are all crazy. From mama’s boys, to jaded mysterious types… The idea of “maybe I made her this way” doesn’t seem to cross their mind.
Most men seemingly have the unnerving ability to move on quickly. Women retreat into a butt hurt cave of recovery. We reinvent ourselves by cutting our hair, losing weight, going to a therapist, and deleting all our instagram pictures. 9/10 times we come back a better versions of ourselves. Men, on the other hand… Find a quick fix to keep them company and routinely text us (the exes) whenever the new girl starts to bore them. “Hope you’re well, can’t stop thinking about you.” The text hits our phones, we either engage or ignore... Both of the options adding 10% to our instability meter. Here’s when the crazy meter starts to increase!
MEN JUST DONT MOURN BREAK UPS THE SAME WAY WE DO. Onto the next is the motto. Rebounds become the next “the ones” accidentally. That poor soul is left with the wreckage, trauma and baggage that accumulated during your time in the guys life. “I’m just not ready, my ex did a number on me, but I like you a lot.” How different would the world be if men took a dry spell year to address their issues and tried to improve instead of unloading all their dirty laundry on a new test subject? How and why do we allow ourselves to welcome another lost puppy into our hearts and beds with the knowledge that they’re fresh out of a relationship?
Let’s talk rebounds! Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. However, the indisputable truth is that all humans, men and women alike crave company and affection. They work as distractions, sure. The main goal should be to find comfort, not a new companion and most importantly should be clearly expressed before jumping in. That’s where the issue lies. Rebounds becoming relationships before the newly single party has had a chance to assess the shit show and do the much needed internal work. On other side stands a woman, with a first aid kit and a mission to fix the broken boy. This my friends, is the root of all crazy girls.
Picture this: You’re a few months into the new relationship, the honey moon phase is over. You begin to see clues of why the last girl high tailed out of his life. “My ex was so crazy, she didn’t trust me, SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH MY PHONE.” That night, he’s being dodgy and sketchy. You see the opportunity look through his phone. Oops guess I’m crazy too! Instagram shows recent DM thirst replies, flirting with other girls. Fuck. Confrontation isn’t an option, You can’t confess pulling the same stunt as his ex. You let it slide and try to make yourself indispensable. Later on, when you meet the family they’re going on about how glad they are that their poor sweet boy met a nicer girl than the last. “He told me all about her, she was a piece of work. He was a saint to her!” Oh… If only they knew what these idiots were really up to. The cracks start to show, maybe his ex wasn't crazy… Or maybe we all are…
Nope, they make us this way.
Recently I began ask friends for honest rundowns of what went wrong in their most recent relationships. Not just men, women too. I’ve realized that we all love to bring up the dirty laundry we didn’t stain. The truth is it takes two to tango. I find it fascinating to hear both sides of the story and see the truth between the lines of each. I’ve had phone calls with girls that my exes messed around with between breaks in our relationships(most of them are actually my friends now lol oops). The result of those conversations were “Oh he spun it that way, are you kidding me? Yes that happened. Did he tell you what he did to cause that?” and on their end “Are you serious? He did not mention that. What a dick?! YOU STAYED WITH HIM? GIRL.” I am not encouraging you to hit up your boo’s ex for a FaceTime date. All I’m saying is… Instead of hating a stranger, try to not project your insecurities and future plans for your relationship based off the word of an angry man. Look at a bigger picture where the ex is also a human and probably not the bitch they’re making them out to be. Basically, take their version as a grain of salt.
I’m not putting every guy into this box of toxic masculinity. But, time and time again my cards have been drawn to almost identical narratives, so I’m speaking frOM A PERSONAL LENS. Girl meets boy, boy pursues girl. Girl gets her hopes up, and thinks it will be different this time, boy is too good to be true, aaaand then she’s right. I’m not saying that the best route is to be jaded and weary of any man that comes into your life. (even if that’s my way right now) But girls, WE ARE NOT BORN CRAZY. The weight of the baggage each man brings into our life leads to self doubt, lands us in crazy over thinking, FBI investigations and full on melt downs.
None of us start out being “crazy.” We’re just doing our fucking best with the cards we’re dealt. I personally just think it’s time for men to do better. We’ve pulled the weight long enough. Instead of demonizing their exes, victimizing themselves and not taking accountability for their short comings, they should take a page out of our recovery process and learn to talk about issues head on. They should own up, and get real with themselves about what they did wrong and could do better the next time around… And as women, we need to READ THE DAMN ROOM. It’s engraned in us, we’re women. vulnerable, empathic, patient, but ladies, we’re not fools. Stop letting the idea of fixing a man traumatize something as beautiful as a genuine love connection for you. Stop waiting around for them to change, or be ready. We need to stop playing nurse to boys and instead be what history has always told us we are. Life. Everything. The source of all. Remember: the end of the day, we’re the “crazy ones” they wouldn’t exist without.
— On that note, if you are one of the men that have a decent head on your shoulders and do take your time before jumping in, I commend you. Also, call me!
