Moving on?

I’ve been dating since I’m 14. I know the ropes of romance all too well. I’ve had first, second, third? (not sure but he was damn fun) and fourth loves in my life. For one reason or another they didn’t work out. But let me just say, I have never in my life been as dumbfounded as I am today.

See, here’s the thing: after each one of my relationships fizzled out or came to an end, I’m fine and just keep my distance from the dating scene until another prospect comes out of the wood work and sweeps me off my feet. My last breakup left me thoroughly jaded toward men, relationships and even harmless flirtations. For the first time, I wasn’t fine after an end.

I knew it was necessary to lay low for an indefinite amount of time, longer than any other relational recovery period I ever decided to embark on. Men have come and tried to woo me in the time since my self imposed emotional dry spell began last year. Time and time again I found myself underwhelmed and happier alone than in the company of the men I had as options. I have a pretty bad habit of placing men into the three tiers of dating, and meet after meet each one fell into the second or third tier or just plainly left no lasting impression and were written off before the bill came at the end of our first date. The dry spell droned on.

I’ve always been a big therapy advocate. I go when things are good, and when things are absolute shit. My therapist disapproves of my jaded mentality and often asks me if I put myself in the shoes of the men I entertain whilst in my healing periods. I’ve always stood my ground and said they aren’t dumb, and can read the room. (aka the rainchecks, unanswered texts and over all lack of genuine interest on my end.) No one can really expect much from me other than laughs at dinner and a cheeky kiss goodnight while I’m in my emotionally unavailable state. I always have made it abundantly clear. So, I can’t be condemned for a few dates that lead nowhere right? I also can’t call it anything other than what they are: rebound dates, and empty distractions leading to a dead end.

I realize that each person has different coping mechanisms when it comes to breakups. Mine begins with rekindling the old reliable 2nd tier 6 year entanglement I have with an honest to god great guy. But a tier two isn’t a valid longterm option. Considerably pleasant means to an end, sure. but definitely not a happy ending. As many times as I’ve tried to bring myself in a place to take that situationship to the next level, I always reach the stalemate conclusion where I see that he’s pretty much just a good friend serving as a pallet cleanser who provides me a safe space and company over actual intimacy/connection while I heal and rehumanize. I’m not saying its healthy, I’m also not saying I’m proud of using an emotional crutch that for some reason welcomes me with open arms after every failed relationship. But that’s the pattern I’ve drawn out for our friendship, and we’ve both made our peace with it.

Fast forward a few months, my friends convinced me to make an online dating account to broaden my horizons after almost a year of singledom. I still found myself with plenty of reservations toward the idea of getting to know someone new, specifically online. I mean, I always made fun of girls who had to resort to online dating. How hard could it really be to meet someone organically? One step further, how was I possibly going to meet someone online who I found interesting enough to meet in person?

Messages flooded in, DMs and texts were exchanged but I held fast to the idea that this app dating thing was likely a dead end for me. It’s been always discouraging that men are only interested in meeting me for my appearance and most messages I received validated that sentiment ranging from “you’d look so good on my arm” to “I want to do illegal things to your butt” Nothing to write home about, obviously. And then, I met him.

A brunch turned to dinner, dinner turned into a boozy late night adventure which ended with us falling asleep watching raunchy tv and waking up in my bed. Me? Having a man sleepover and wanting to lounge in bed instead of finding an excuse to kick him out? Unheard of. Sign #1 that I might have a crush. We hadn’t even kissed the night prior, and slept in the same bed, I quickly remedied the kissing stall. Great kissing followed to my dismay. Alarm bells rang over my emotional walls as I reluctantly kissed him goodbye after spending all morning together and went about my day. A few hours went by and I realized that for the first time in a year after a date, I hadn’t immediately done my usual review of disqualifying factors and landed at another tier three or two conclusion. Sign #2 I might have a crush.So what is a type a control freak to do when a charming man steps into my line of vision and (literally) sweeps me off my feet before I planned to engage in a real connection?

The Next Big Thing might be staring me in the face and I’m pissed. I no longer judge internet daters because I met an actual human that I don’t have an exit strategy for (another bad habit of mine) on an app. Congrats internet, you did something right for once! However, I’m weary of breaking my walls down prematurely and rushing toward a spark instead of going in with both eyes open and fully prepared. I told myself I needed time, I needed to heal and sort through the wreckage I fled from. But here I am, giddy and fixating on a week long flirtation I can’t seem to shake.

So here’s my question: how do you know when you’re ready for a new relationship? How do we differentiate between being ready to build a new healthy foundation instead of diving into an accidental rebound narrative?

Heres my take: I spent months on end alone, in company of friends and family regrowing my confidence and just being an over all bad ass in every facet of my life. I’m living good, feeling better than ever and throughly enjoying riding the high of independence, am I ready to let that go?

The answer is no. But… Have you ever met someone that instantly matches your energy, humor and meets your overall expectations? All signs point to a guy that I don’t have to dull myself to be with, but instead encourages my wild child side and applauds my professional drive. Call me a coward, but it scares the shit out of me, and it really took me by surprise.

The past few days, variations of “ I had a plan, why are you showing up now? Go away! I need another year! Or do I?” have been relentlessly bouncing around in the back of my mind.

As much as I want to shrug this off, I’ve honestly been catching myself thinking about his face way too often. I check my phone constantly to find a silly or sweet text from him almost without fail. When the heck can I see him again? Why do I borderline get off on the sound of his voice? Why am I daydreaming about making out with him? Yup, just making out. Who am I anymore? What is this guy doing to me and why is is working so well?

This is seems stupid, I’m aware. If you know me, you know how far out of character it is for me to be giddy so early on. Even worse, I’m calling the guy by name instead of some stupid nickname I coined and use as reference for my friends to laugh about. (another bad habit, my friends quite literally don’t know the actual names of most tier 2 or tier 3 prospects I entertained in the past) So what’s changed? Well, my mind for one. I didn’t need to set a schedule for my dry spell. I’ve been fine for a while, so what’s stopping me? Is it just my fixed idea of how long i should take to take a new plunge holding me back? Seems like it. Silly stubborn me.

Life has a funny way of throwing you for a loop and giving you what you need whether you think you’re ready or not. All in all, I guess through the rambling essay this became, I’m somewhat convinced that my jaded ways have retreated back into their cranky cave and this is most definitely is not a rebound. I’m no longer looking for a distraction from my past. I’m interested, I’m intrigued and I’m hopeful for what’s to come.